EP37 Stop Chasing Goals-Start Chasing Feelings

In this episode, we kick off a four-part series on my VIBE Method, starting with the “V” — Vision. But not the vision board kind. We’re talking about creating a vision for how you actually want to feel in your life, not just what you want to achieve.

I walk you through a simple but powerful exercise to identify your three “feeling words” — the ones that will guide your goals, your decisions, and even the way you notice moments in your day. If you’ve ever felt stuck on the treadmill of “doing all the things” but never truly feeling better, this episode will help you start seeing and feeling differently.

Get ready for practical, bite-sized steps you can start today — because your goals shouldn’t just look good on paper; they should feel good in your life.

This episode comes with a little bonus worksheet to help you get some clarity on your goal feelings. This was sent out to my email community already, but if you’d also like to get it, simply fill this out:

Sometimes you just want to read, so here’s the transcript of this episode:

Hello and welcome back to the Wellness Ninja Podcast. I am your host, Heather Lintone. And as always, I am so delighted to be vacuuming your ear holes.

Can we all just take a big exhale? Getting this podcast relaunched was a little bit more work than I thought it might be. Turns out technology changes in the years and it's been four years since my last episode. Like last launch of it. Last week was the first episode back. This week's number two and it's been a journey folks. It's been a journey, but like I'm so happy to be here. I'm so excited. I've got so much I want to share with you and people I want to talk to you and ideas. I want to explore with you. So stick with it folks. I'm going to get better and better and better. Gotta start somewhere, right? And I feel like I'm restarting over. A little wiser, a little older, but still same weirdo. Anywho.

So today is the start of a four-part series on the vibe method. The vibe method is a method that I use with my health and life coaching clients to sort of start working through the issues. They're not issues. That feels like a weird way to say it, but like to start working through things. Like you need a structure, a format, sort of some steps to go through and the vibe method is where we start. And I'm going to try so hard not to say the word so all the time. Please, if you want to take a count, let me know how many times I do it. I was told last time that I did the podcast. That was my habit. I would say so or you know, or right a lot. I'm trying to grow and learn.

On previous podcast episodes back, you know, in the early days of the podcast. I have done episodes about knowing how you want to feel. That is actually the first step in the vibe method. So vibes is an acronym V stands for vision. And by vision, I mean like having this vision of how you want to feel in your life, how you want your life to feel.

It's less about like the things that you're doing or the goals that you're achieving and more about how your actual life feels. Because a lot of us have hit the goals and life still doesn't feel the way we thought it would. And while I have done episodes about this before, you know, hearing concept multiple times makes it more likely to stick in your brain. I'm going to say it different every time. So you'll hear it differently. So it'll hit differently and repetition is really important when learning new ideas and new concept.

And again, this is the first in a four-part series. So like we got to start at the beginning in almost 100% of cases. My clients come in with a lot of words and opinions about what's not working. What's not going right, how crappy something feels, how stuck they feel, how overwhelming it feels to try and make and keep changes. Like there is a passion to how they don't want to feel. If you're coming to life and health coaching, it's not because everything is going great and you got a clear plan in like five easy steps on what to actually do. You have goals and you have things that you want to change, but you're struggling to do it yourself. You get like that enthusiastic start and then like real life happens because it does. And it gets too hard and it's overwhelming and you just like get stuck in this circle of, you know, starting, life happens, restarting, life happens. So generally that's why someone comes to a coach because they're like, okay, like I want to get off the treadmill. I've talked about being on the treadmill before and I would like to be supported in that. I'd like to get some help.

This is where it gets challenging. And by it, I mean me. This is where I start to challenge people because, you know, you can come in and tell me all the things that are going wrong with your life. And it's like, okay, there are two large shifts that are like the core key things that are the starting point in order to help get the change that you want in life. The first is changing how we set goals. The biggest problem I see with goal setting, be it in your health or general life, is that it's extremely circumstance focused.

• Be a certain weight.

• Make a certain amount of money.

• Work a specific job.

• Go to a specific school.

• Date a specific person.

Like there's all, it's very circumstance. I want this specific circumstance. I want this specific experience. Notice how this ignores the giant reality of living in a world where our circumstances can be strongly affected by others, by weather, by global pandemics, by accidents, all things we cannot control. Like you could have the greatest plan in the world and you could be really good at executing all the steps and then a pandemic shuts down your business or weather delays something or someone in your family gets sick. Now you can't do all those steps. So if our goal is circumstance and that circumstance can change regardless of what we do, regardless of our best intentions, regardless of our best effort, then our goals become unsustainable and we feel overwhelmed and frankly we feel shitty because we're like I'm doing all the things and it's still not working.

Here's the thing with it though. Why do we want those things and those circumstances? Why do we make those our goals? It's because we believe those things will make us feel a certain way. If I get that job, I'm going to feel accomplished. I'm going to have that money in the bank. If I have that money in the bank, then I'm going to feel secure and safe. And once you're past getting your basic needs met, I mean like let's also have a little bit of a, you know, acknowledgement of the reality of a lot of people don't get their basic needs met and so those circumstantial goals are really important.

But once those needs are met, now it's about chasing a feeling. And we've just decided that this circumstance will give us that feeling. But it's the feeling that we really want.Like have you ever had an experience where you got what you wanted and then it felt like meh or even disappointing? Have you ever dated someone that you were like, oh my god, I can't believe this. And then you went on the date and you were like, oh, that's not how I thought this would be. Have you achieved the new job or you got that promotion and a week later you were like, I'm just as stressed and unfulfilled as before.

How about like achieving just like any goal feeling good about it, but then realizing your life isn't magically always happy and perfect because you reach that goal. Any of these sound familiar? Because I know they do for me. We put so much emphasis on a circumstance being the answer and I'm air quoting the when it's the feeling we think the circumstance will bring that's really what we want.

And we're just not stopping to take the time to ask ourselves why we want that thing. So why do we want that job? Why do we want that relationship? What do we think it will have us feel in our life differently than the way we are now without it? Do we think it's going to solve all our problems? That's a question to ask ourselves. Circumstances very rarely do.

Okay, so that's big shift number one. We got to start shifting like what is an actual goal? The goal is not a circumstance. Okay, now we're moving on to the second big sort of shift that we need to do. And that is dropping the focus on what we don't want. Everyone is really clear on all the ways they don't want to feel. Like if you come in for a session with me, one of the very first questions I'm going to ask you is like, hey, why are you here? Like what do you what brings you to coaching or to body talk? And inevitably, like almost 100% of the time people are saying all the things they don't want. Everyone has their own reasons, but they often sound like I don't want to feel so crappy. I don't want to feel so tired. Oh, I don't want to feel so angry. I don't want to have my backache. I don't want to get, you know, I don't want to turn out like my mother. I don't want all these freaking paramenopause symptoms. I'm tired of this. I need out what sums it up. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

So you see what the issue there is? I've asked what they want, what they're there for, and they're replying with a list of things that they don't want. The problem with that, and I'm sure you've heard me say this before, is like that is telling your brain not to think about a pink elephant. You've just pictured a pink elephant, haven't you? Or I want you to look around your room right now and try not to see anything blue.

Like that's not how it works, guys. Like you're immediately picturing the elephant, and no matter how hard you're trying not to see blue, blue is jumping out at you. That's the reticular activating system, the RAS in your brain.

You can look it up, learn more about it if you really want to nerd out. If you do, you are my people. But essentially, it's the part of your brain that's in charge of filtering what you notice or don't notice from the billions of pieces of input you get every minute. Your thoughts and your beliefs are what helps your brain determine what's important and therefore what gets through the filter. So one of the easiest ways to start to consciously influence those filters is to remind your brain what you actually want and therefore what to look for over and over. Consistency over intensity.

And you're just moving away from I don't want to feel this way to actually here's what I do want to feel. And it still continues to surprise me how hard people find that. Because your pain is so loud. Your pain points, not just physical pain but mental pain and the annoyances in your life. It's so loud that it can stop you from hearing what you really do want. So once you start to make these two shifts, having goals that are not circumstance based and focusing on what you really want.

Now you've got a better guidance system. One that isn't dependent on a circumstances that like other people and random things affect. And one that focuses on getting you where you actually want to go.

So those are the key mindset shifts or like understandings that we got to have here. I'm sure that if you are a listener to this podcast, like none of this is coming as a surprise. This is not brand new information, but it's really important key information. So I'm going to keep teaching on it. So I did say so when I got myself there. That's all right. I'm not editing this out. This is how it rolls folks.

I want to make this practical. And if you've been a client of mine, you're going to recognize this exercise as one that I frequently get you to do. And it's going to your brain's going to be like, oh, yeah. Yeah, you're going to hear me go walk through the exercise and you're gonna be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it. Just do the exercise. Take the simple small actions.It is not hard. It's not taxing. Much like drinking water is not hard.It's not mind blowing. It's not new in novative technology. It's the simple thing.Many of us are not doing it. You got to do the simple things. So, okay, here's the exercise.

Unless you're driving or walking or doing something important. I want you to close your eyes. And I want you to take a nice deep breath. And I want you to get another one. And on the exhale, let your whole body relax. And you're just taking a nice deep breath. And on the exhale, your muscles just feel like they're melting. Your jaw relaxes. Your tongue relaxes.

And I just want you to think about how you're feeling. How you're feeling in your body. How you're feeling in your life. Really what's kind of going on. What's kind of irritating you. What do you wish it could change? Now, I want you to imagine that I have a magic wand. And I can wave it over you. And you would wake up tomorrow feeling exactly how you want to. So, I've waved my magic wand.

Don't make it dirty, guys. I've waved my magic wand. And you get to wake up tomorrow feeling in your body physically how you want. You get to wake up in your mind feeling how you want to feel about your day. Feeling how you want to feel about your life. What would that be? What would those feelings be? All the things you wish you didn't feel today are gone. In its place are the feelings you actually want. What are they? Get specific. Remember, we're focused on how you feel in your body. How you feel in your mind. This is not about what you're doing or what you have to do. This is not about what you own or what you're going to get or where you're going to go. This is not about circumstances. This is about how you're feeling in your body and how you're feeling in your life.

I want you to write down all the feelings that come to mind. Like just freehand, word vomited onto whatever's near you. Your phone, a paper, whatever. Get like a bunch of words.

So, like maybe you normally wake up feeling just like just fatigued. Like you're just tired. And you're just like overwhelmed. So, magic wand does its job and tomorrow you get to wake up and you feel energized and focused. Or maybe how you really want to feel is grounded and purposeful. What are your words? This is very personal to you.

It doesn't matter what anybody else wants. This is about you. Okay, next part of the exercise is now pick three feeling words that really like hit. They're like, yes, I want those three right now. I want you to take those three words and I want you to write them on a sticky note. I want you to write them on a note on your phone. I want you to make it your screensaver. I want you to put them everywhere. Multiple sticky notes, on the mirror in your bathroom, on the fridge. These are the new goals and the new filters. And don't get hung up on getting the right ones because like what we want changes in our season, changes with our hormones. It's like, that's not the point.

You're going to pick three words for now. That's going to be your focus. And the reason that you're doing that is three words are simple. These are feeling words. You know how they feel in your body and in your mind, so you can quickly connect with them. And what we're trying to do is teach your brain to notice all the moments where you already feel like that in your day, if even for a moment.

But you're not noticing them because you're so focused on how you don't want to feel and the bigger, like sort of negative feeling things. So we put these three words and we look at them multiple places. We remind ourselves maybe in the morning. We're like, hey, well, how do I want to feel? I want to feel these three words. What do those words feel like in my body, in my life? And we're teaching our brain that reticular activating system to like start noticing. We've sent the message, hey, these are important feelings.

We want more of these. So start looking for them, right? It's that whole cliche of like you buy the certain kind of car and then now you start seeing that car everywhere. How about we use that for something more than just cars? So let's teach your brain to notice all those moments. And you will be surprised how often you can get little micro moments of your goal feelings. So if you're wondering like how this kind of works on how feelings can become your new goals, it's like changing the focus from the external circumstances to the internal feeling results. I'm going to give you an example.

If I have a goal of working out three days a week and this week I have a flat tire and I miss my workout, then normal goal setting thinking would have me believing I didn't reach my goals. I didn't work out three times. However, if working out is the method I use to reach my actual goal of feeling physically stronger, then two things are true here. One, two out of three workouts still means I'm hitting my goals. Now I can adjust to like I don't have to do that third workout, but is there something else I can do to help me feel like I'm getting physically stronger? This is when you like sort of have a nuance to it and you don't have to have like this strict rules around how goals have to look. So having the goal of working out is very circumstance based. It's very all or nothing. I either did it or I didn't. But when really and like that kind of a goal is actually kind of unmotivating because inevitably life is going to happen and then we're not going to meet our goal. And then we, you know, we get deflated about it. But if the goal is about feeling stronger in however ways we can do that and like you've had a shitty week, you just couldn't get to the gym.

Well, if my goal is to feel stronger, what are small things that help me feel stronger? And I'm looking at my piece of paper and it's like stronger. I want to feel stronger. Well, I could do some push-ups. That helps. I could do push-ups till, you know, I feel fatigued. I could do squats while I brush my teeth. There's lots of little things and those little micro moments add up. So it helps you start to adjust that filter of what it means to actually reach a goal.

Now, I understand this is nuanced and that people are going to like, but Heather, what about like that's letting yourself off the hook so then you never have to actually do the things. That's a whole different conversation. That's a whole different level. We're starting at the basics here. And what we're trying to do is adjust the filter in our brain and we got to do it simple and we got to do it easy and we got to do it small and consistent. So that's what we're starting with. We're starting with those three feeling words. We're just going to focus on them for the next week. If you're on my email list, I'm excited.

I created a super simple and I do mean simple guys. I'm not a fancy designer. PDF to help you get started with this. So that's going to come in your email. If you're on my list, it'll come out when this episode comes out. If you're not on my list and you want to get this handy helper, you can go to HeatherLindholm.com slash episode 37. Sign up there and grab the little PDF to help you out with this. Sometimes we just need a piece of paper to help us.

Next week, we're going to dive into part two of the by process, which is identify.I'm excited for this one. This is where body talk really gets to shine. We get to talk about some different ways to view the things that are getting in our way and the ways that we self-sabotage ourselves.

We're going to identify some things that maybe we didn't think about before. So I'm excited for that. Thanks for letting me be in your ear holes. I am really interested in knowing how this hit, knowing how this landed with you. What are your words? Please share these with me. This is an interesting conversation.

If you're really struggling with this, also let me know that because a lot of people do. It can take a whole session for some people to get to the end where they're like, okay, I'm really connected with how I want to feel now. You have to let go through a lot of things.

So I'm here to help with that. Thank you guys so much. As always, like podcasting is like talking into the dark.

So if you want to send me an email, you want to DM me on Instagram, let me know what you thought of this. That would be awesome. If you want to leave a review, that is like the most wonderful thing that you could do.

Otherwise, I hope you have a really awesome week and try this out. Let yourself try this out. Please, please, please don't roll your eyes.

Just do it. Okay, guys, I want you to have a great week. Stay kind, both to others and to yourself.